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UFO sightings could prove that Surrey is countryside proper

PUBLISHED: 20:34 10 June 2013 | UPDATED: 20:34 10 June 2013

A UFO hovers over Guildford

A UFO hovers over Guildford

Archant

In a tongue-in-cheek series, amateur 'historians' Otley & Wimblefuss bring us outlandish tales from our county's past, with a healthy disregard for any historical accuracy...

From time to time, you may have heard someone describe Surrey as not really the countryside proper. Implying perhaps that our county comprises nothing but suburbs, garden centres and golf courses. Well, frankly, that’s nonsense. Surrey boasts more pony paddocks, koi ponds and ha-has than you can shake a welly at. But in one peculiar sense detractors may have a point.

After all, isn’t it a little surprising that Surrey’s historical archives record so few incidences of crop circles, UFO sightings or alien abductions? Surprising because, as ample evidence from across the Atlantic proves, visitors from afar clearly like to conduct their recces in rural areas. And who can blame them? Leave a spacecraft unattended for five minutes in your average metropolis and what are the chances of finding it as you left it? Whilst scrunching up a parking ticket and vaporizing the earthling responsible is hardly likely to trouble an intergalactic traveller, having to replace a pilfered heat shield this far from base could present a much trickier challenge. However, park yourself up in deepest Bucolia and you can generally expect a few days grace before someone decides your vessel would look a lot more interesting peppered with shot, or make a perfect home for their chickens.

Close encounters

Surrey, though, clearly presents a dilemma to the curious extra-terrestrial. Acres of glorious green space to land upon, no significant threat of theft or vandalism, and plenty of odd looking specimens to inseminate. A no-brainer you’d think. And yet, according to IBALS (The International Bureau of Alien Liaison Statistics), authenticated cases of alien interaction in Surrey total no more than a dozen. And of these, last year’s notorious Ottershaw Six Abduction, in which an entire five-a-side football team, plus sub, completely vanished only to reappear a fortnight later, dazed and emotional on the Mediterranean island of Ibiza, is now being called into question by CCTV footage and a positive paternity test.

So why exactly do you suppose the little green men are avoiding Surrey? Could it be that our county is home to some of this planet’s most formidable neighbourhood watch schemes? Or that in some quarters it’s possible to feel that one’s transportation isn’t quite as flash as it might be? Who knows? But if on your travels you should ever experience a close encounter with a being from another galaxy, why not enquire – if it allows you the opportunity – why its kind doesn’t visit Surrey more regularly. And if it should reply, “well, it’s not really the countryside proper”, be sure to give it a jolly good piece of your mind.

• For more Untold Surrey stories please visit otleywimblefuss.com

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